This will be a regular column where syndicated columnist and morality critic Roy Koshy reviews films both old and new, with his characteristic no-nonsense, old-fashioned wisdom. Enjoy!

GOODFELLAS dir. Martin Scorsese. 1990. 146 min

First off, the title of this film is very misleading. The “fellas” in this film are NOT good people at all. Unless you consider murder, racketeering, and drug use “good” activities, in which case, I suggest you seek counseling immediately. I also suggest that Mr. Scorsese rethink his own morals and values. Why would you refer to a bunch of murderous, thieving criminals as “good fellas”? My definition of a good fella is my neighbor Robert, who kindly receives UPS packages for me when I am at work reviewing films. Speaking of which, I am demanding some sort of bonus at the end of the year for having to review this amoral dreck. The film tells the supposedly “true” story of Henry Hill, who as a young person becomes involved in his local Mafia organization. We follow him from his childhood into middle-age, as he delves deeper and deeper into criminal activities. We also meet some of the friends he makes along the way, such as Mafia President Paulie (played by Paul Sorvino), numbers man James (played by Robert DeNiro), and all-around jerk Tommy (played by Joe Pesci). As the old saying goes, “With friends like these, who needs enemies!”

One very upsetting scene is when Tommy plays a prank on Henry, by pretending that he’s insulted when Henry tells him he is funny. He keeps saying “Funny how?!” (in addition to other words that are not suitable for print in a family article) as Henry gets more and more nervous. Henry catches on to the ruse, and then everyone has a laugh. It’s too bad we as the audience were not in on the joke. Even if we were, what degenerate would find this “joke” funny? Funny how, indeed.

When Henry is not committing crimes, he’s consuming drugs. When he’s not consuming drugs, Henry is arguing with his wife Karen. More accurately, these two just yell at each other. Does this sound like a good way to resolve conflict, let alone maintain a household? Why don’t these two characters seek marriage counseling? Surely, one of their married friends could recommend someone. Perhaps they could ease household tensions by scheduling a “date night”, where they treat themselves to dinner and a movie. Either way, it’s a better way to spend your money, as opposed to wasting it on illegal narcotics. Furthermore, why does our “hero” seek a life in crime anyway? I can think of many different ways to spend your time productively. Begin a scrapbook with some of your favorite memories. Start a chess club. Learn new and interesting ways of preparing a chicken stir-fry. Go to the library and peruse the history section, and make friends with the librarian. Get involved in your local Meals-on Wheels program, you may meet some interesting “fellas” in your neighborhood that know how to have a “good” time without committing felonies.

In conclusion, “Goodfellas” is quite a bad time at the movies. Someone needs to send these fellas packing!

RATING: I DON’T GET IT!

As you may know, I receive questions from readers asking for advice on relationships, careers, and life in general. So, I’ve decided to write this advice column, in the hope that I can lend a helping hand to anyone who needs one. Enjoy, and keep those letters coming!

Dear Roy,

I’ve been a huge Soul Train fan since I was a little kid. I know it went off the air in 2006, is there any chance of the show making a comeback?

Signed,

Lady Obsessed with Soul Train

Dear L.O.S.T,

It sounds like you’re in a destructive relationship. Furthermore, it sounds like you’re making excuses for your husband’s piss poor and emotionally abusive behavior. I know love, or the feeling of being in love, can really blind us to the flaws of our significant other, but it’s not worth losing yourself and your own self-worth for someone who clearly takes you for granted. My advice to you would be to really define boundaries within your relationship, and be upfront about these boundaries with your husband. Let him know that if he does not respect these boundaries, then it’s over, no negotiating or compromising. He needs to know that you demand respect and will not tolerate anything less. I know it’s hard, but you have to stand your ground, this is not a situation where you can afford to be wishy-washy and soft. Hope this helps, you deserve better, now it’s time for you to demand better.

Sincerely,
Roy

Dear Roy,

I’ve been really thinking about becoming a vegetarian, mainly for ethical and health reasons. Do you have any specific recommendations or regiments? Thanks!

Signed,

Person Into Starting Sensible Ethical Diet

Dear P.I.S.S.E.D,

Your anger is palpable and a bit worrisome. What is it that’s triggering these intense feelings for you? I would advise you to really look at the source of your anger and frustration. I’m certainly not implying that you don’t have a right to your feelings, but it’s clear that you are pushing away your family, friends, and other loved ones that may just want to help you. Keep in mind that I am not making you the bad guy here. However, if you don’t seek help very soon, you will compromise your own health emotionally, mentally, and even physically. In the meantime, one small action you can take is to become aware of your emotions as they arise. When you feel anger, recognize this emotion for what it is, and take a deep breath. You will find that your feelings will not be so overwhelming, and you will discover that YOU are in control. I wish you the best of luck, both for your sake and the sake of your loved ones.

Sincerely,
Roy

Dear Roy,

Thank you for your interest in the Administrative Assistant position. We will be interviewing candidates early next week. In the meantime, can you also send me your resume? Thanks!

Sincerely,

Stephen A. Donaldson

Dear S.A.D.

First and foremost, please remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So, I advise you to realistically see your problem as just that, temporary. Bear in mind I’m not making light of your situation or feelings. However, it’s very important that you don’t see yourself as a victim of this temporary state you’re in. When you look at your life objectively, you will begin to realize that you have a lot more power and control than you think, and the situation you’re in will not seem so overwhelming or lasting. Sometimes when you feel stuck, it’s best to try a new path. Do you exercise? Daily physical exercise/activity can really work wonders for cultivating a healthy mindstate. Trying new activities can also really invigorate you, such as rock-climbing, starting a book club, wine-tasting tour, etc. I know it’s a cliche, but life is indeed a gift, and each one of us has a lot to give as well as receive. Best wishes to you, I hope you learn to embrace the gifts of life, and let go of the temporary burdens.

Sincerely,
Roy

Another Sketch that didn’t hit the stage, but is now hitting you, reader.

BUTTERFLY EFFECT:

BLACK.

Sounds of a violent storm, we hear houses burning, general destruction,heavy water sounds.

LIGHTS UP.

We see shivering villagers- A FATHER and his SON and DAUGHTER -wrapped in sheets and towels. They are shivering and crying.

YOUNG BOY: Father, our home is destroyed, everyone else in the village is buried under rubble and mud, and we have nowhere to go!

YOUNG GIRL: What did we do to deserve this?!

FATHER: Children! I do not know! (looks up at sky and shakes his fists) Why GOD?!!! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!!

SCIENTIST: (offstage)I’ll tell you why! It was the BUTTERFLY!

We see a SCIENTIST walk on. A tall dashing arrogant man in a suit. The villagers look at him with curiosity and confusion.

SCIENTIST: Yes, 3 weeks ago a Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly broke out of a cocoon in Oklahoma and happily flapped it’s wings. It’s rapid joyful wing-flapping caused changes in the surrouding atmosphere, which led to the shifting of winds and the further atmospheric compression led to more condensation which caused tornadoes in the Midwest of North America, an earthquake in France, and just kept going and going like a delightful game of dominoes, and next thing you know, a tsunami has wiped out your entire village.

The FATHER , SON and DAUGHTER fall to the groud and cry violently, banging the ground.

SCIENTIST: KNOCK IT OFF! You’re going to wipe out Antartica!

BLACKOUT.

This is a sketch I wrote awhile back, never made it to the stage, just wanted to share.

TAKE A PICTURE:

TWO MEN are sitting in a restaurant across from each other.

MAN #1 is staring at MAN #2 as he eats his soup.

MAN#2: Hey asshole! Take a picture, it will last longer!

BLACKOUT.

We then hear a VOICEOVER.

VOICEOVER: 300 years earlier…

LIGHTS UP:

We see the two SAME MEN. They are standing up in a stiff Restoration era pose with their noses turned up. MAN#1 is still staring at MAN#2

MAN#2: Hey asshole! Paint a picture, it will last longer!

BLACKOUT.

VOICEOVER: 1,000,000 years earlier…..

LIGHTS UP:

THE TWO SAME MEN are now Cavemen who haven’t yet developed an erect standing position yet. Their hands hang to the ground. MAN#1 is still staring at MAN#2.

MAN #2: Hey asshole! why don’t you evolve your physical and mental capabilities so that you may be able to recreate my image in an accurate manner with the use of utilitarian tools and surface and/or invent a device that duplicates and records an image of my person for posterity’s sake, it’ll last longer!

BLACKOUT.

Oh Man, this is a conversation that I totally DID NOT overhear in NYC, and probably has never happened ever.

Fiction is sometimes stranger than truth, right?

“So, where did you get that coffee?”
“Dunkin Donuts”
“You’re supposed to say Starbucks!”
“What? Why?”
“Because, only a jerk who doesn’t care about me says Dunkin Donuts”
“Well…that’s where I got it, so tough titties”
“Well, tough titties for you!”
“Great, I love tough titties”
“I’ll give you one more chance…where did you get your coffee?”
“Dunkin motherdunkin’ Donuts”
“So you’re not gonna say Starbucks?”
“No, this is outrageous. What is this ‘1984’?”
“I’ve never read that book, nor lived through that year”
“I find that hard to believe, it’s a book about jerks, and the actual year was also chock full of jerks.”
“Well, you’re a huge jerk that doesn’t care about anyone but himself.”
“That’s not true! I gave money to Merlin Olsen after seeing his TV commercial.”
“You donated money to impoverished children, and now you’re some jerk who can say whatever he wants?”
“No, I said I gave money to Merlin Olsen, he was the one asking for it.”
“Whatever, I’ll give my money to people who are nice”
“Whatever…get out of my classroom!”
“This is a park!”
“Nature is my classroom, and I’m the principal of this motherfucker.”
“Well then I’m dropping out of Nature.”
“Don’t bother, YOU’RE EXPELLED!”

This is an entry that no one will read. Now, that sounds sad, but it’s actually a gift. Because no one is reading this, anything can happen in this entry. A spaceship just landed. A spaceship full of scrotum. You see that? If people were reading this right now, they’d probably object. Or they would ask really dumb questions like “Are these higher intelligence scrotums? Good scrotums or evil scrotums? Why are they scrotums? I don’t believe you!” Boo hoo. But since no one is here, we can just have fun and not worry. In fact, there’s pizza and beer if you want some. Chicken wings too, motherfucker. YUMMMM! Oh look, the spaceship of scrotums is leaving to go visit another planet. Bye!

Now, a sandwich from the fridge is judging us. You see, if people were reading this, they would say something narrow minded like, “Hey! Sandwiches don’t judge, because they don’t have the capacity to judge!” But since no one is here, we can acknowledge the truth that sandwiches do indeed judge. They are constantly passing criticism on all of us. Sure, they try to pass it off as “having particular tastes”, but fuck those sandwiches. They should try being human sometime. It ain’t easy.

“That’s right, being human ain’t easy!”

Oh my God! Look who just walked in, it’s Television’s Nipsey Russell. And he’s no longer African nor American. You see? Anything can happen in this entry!

“That’s right! I thought I’d take a break from television to see what was going on here!”

Hey that’s great Nipsey, really good to see you! So what are you up to?

“I hate small talk! Goodbye!”

[SLAP]

Wow, slapped by the legendary Nipsey Russell! A lot of exciting things happening in this entry, right? The people not reading this entry are really missing out on some fun. I’m gonna have me a bite of word salad: Dog Grape Tannen Filibuster Prego Listen Alar:::: YUMMM! The word “alarm” in this salad is really delicious. I’m not a fan of Filibusters, so if you want those you can totally have them. While you eat, here’s a picture of me naked:

**#*&$***&@@&**$$))!(!
LKOTKMEKD
))))((@*#*$(@))@!!!!!!!

If people were hanging around this entry, I’d be sooo embarrassed! Thankfully we’re all alone right now. Rapper KRS ONE is in an entry next door to us, and he’s been complaining about the noise we’re making, but you know what? I think he’s just jealous of our good times. Whatever, dog.

Well, this entry was a lot of fun and I hope you enjoyed it. Don’t tell anyone what happened here, or we’ll be put in Joe Don Baker Prison (the harshest prison of all). See ya!

*Postscript: The Underline under the phrase “See ya” tragically died in a car accident after this entry. R.I.P., Underline.

Hello Employers!

My name is Roy Koshy. In my quest to find work, I’ve have spent much time and gathered much experience in the industry of unemployment. I’ve pasted my resume below which details the skills and experience I’ve acquired while being professionally unemployed. Please take a look at it, of course any questions or comments you may have for me are greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Sincerely,
Roy Koshy

ROY M. KOSHY
UNEMPLOYMENT RESUME

EDUCATION:
1995-1999
The University of Texas at Austin
Bachelor of Science, Communications. Major: Radio-TV-Film.

2000-2002
The American Academy of Dramatic Arts
Two-year Professional Actor Training Program

EXPERIENCE:

MORNING (2009 to Present)

ROY KOSHY’S BEDROOM – New York, New York
•Initiated Snooze button during activation of alarm clock.
•Operated Snooze button on alarm clock every ten minutes over a few hours.
•Responsible for turning off of alarm clock and preparing Self for going back to sleep uninterrupted.

AFTERNOON (2009 to Present)

ROY KOSHY’S BEDROOM – New York, New York
•Performed waking up duties from a dream involving eating cereal in apartment with a hated acting teacher.
•Orchestrated rising and standing up activity from mattress.
•Handled a sip of water from glass near designated mattress.
•Observed time on alarm clock. Communicated “oh fuck goddamnit!” in response to listed time.
•Cultivated feelings of rage and vengeance towards aforementioned acting teacher, including fantasies of hate-copulating his estranged wife.

APARTMENT BATHROOM – New York, New York
•Participated in necessary steps in purging body of waste.
•While performing purging duties, was responsible for saying, “goddammit what am I doing with myself?” to Self.
•Performed showering tasks, which included general groaning and complaining to Self about roommates using soap.

ROY KOSHY’S BEDROOM – New York, New York
•Checked cellphone for messages or missed calls. Instituted freeze on phone use due to use not being necessary.
•Activated laptop, promising Self to only check emails and then get some real work done.
•Orchestrated 2 hours of time on the internet, hated Self.
•Performed recollection duties regarding argument with girlfriend from 2 weeks ago.
•Communicated, “fucking whatever,man!” both to Self and non-present girlfriend.
•Delegated task to Self of going to get coffee before settling down to real work.

STREET – New York, New York
•Performed complaining duties about crowded street blocks.
•Handled coffee procurement details at local Dunkin Donuts. Duties included standing in long line and mumbling “fuck all of you” to Self and everyone else.
•Purchased coffee, walked on street while opening communication with Self about how “I really have to hustle”.

ROY KOSHY’S BEDROOM – New York, New York
•Handled a sip of coffee from cup.
•Checked emails, while promising Self to not waste anymore time.
•Initiated additional 2 hours of time on the Internet, doubled hatred of Self.
•Communicated to Self, “I should take a walk”.
•Received incoming clothing on body
•Performed leaving duties of apartment.

EVENING (2009 to Present)

STREET – New York, New York
• Selected local deli for the procurement of “tall can” alcoholic beverages.
• Participated in scolding of Self in regards to drinking so much while unemployed.
• Purchased “tall cans”, communicated “fuck it, seriously!” to Self.

NIGHT (2009 to Present)

ROY KOSHY’S BEDROOM – New York, New York
• Activated laptop, promised Self to seriously get something done.
• Dedicated Self to not getting something done, quadrupled hatred of Self.
• Operated up to 3 tall cans while sitting on bed.
• Facilitated intoxication from tall cans, processed memories of junior high and other past events.
• Processed internal inquiries regarding “what the fuck am I doing wrong?”
• Communicated “I just don’t get it” to Self and the universe.
• Handled slow-drip dozing off activity due to tall can use and general self-defeat.
• Communicated promise to Self that tomorrow will be more productive and changes will be made.

OTHER SKILLS: Windows 2000/XP, MS Word, Sadness, MS Excel, PowerPoint, Naptime 3.0, Outlook, WhyMeZIP, Dictaphone, iAbsorption 4.7, Adobe Premiere, Adobe ResentmentPlus, DVD Player, Internet.

REFERENCES AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST.